Source URL: http://worldwildfunny.blogspot.com/2010_09_01_archive.html
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|Pamela and Tommy Lee were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Tommy says, "Aww, Pamela, look at the dead birdie."|
Pamela looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"
|One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?'' |
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."Source URL: http://worldwildfunny.blogspot.com/2010_09_01_archive.html
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."
Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept inSource URL: http://worldwildfunny.blogspot.com/2010_09_01_archive.html
one tent while the wives used the other.
At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, "Wow,
Which woke Ed.
"What's going on?" said Ed.
"I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." said Ted.
"How come?" said Ed.
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my
life!" said Ted
After a pause, Ed said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" said Ted.
"Because that's my dick you're holding," said Ed.
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladiesSource URL: http://worldwildfunny.blogspot.com/2010_09_01_archive.html
are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready
to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it
another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically
"I guess all those f*cking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies "No, you see that's your problem. You
should have been taking golf lessons instead."
Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is
in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the
Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first
quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the
50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes his way through
the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him,
"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"Source URL: http://worldwildfunny.blogspot.com/2010_09_01_archive.html
The man said "no".
Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the
man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"
The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"That's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone
to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man drivingSource URL: http://worldwildfunny.blogspot.com/2010_09_01_archive.html
that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,
'Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when
he's been drinking."
A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest,Source URL: http://worldwildfunny.blogspot.com/2010_09_01_archive.html
"I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says,
"what do you mean almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together
but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting
it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five
Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers,
then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and
then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and
says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you
said it was the same as putting it in!"
|"Open wider." requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient. "Good God !" he said startled. "Youve got the biggest cavity Ive ever seen - the biggest cavity Ive ever seen." "OK Doc !" replied the patient. "Im scared enough without you saying something like that twice." "I didnt !" said the dentist. "That was the echo."|
|"I was in a very generous mood today," a woman says to her friend."I gave a poor beggar $25.""Thats a lot of money to give away," says her friend. "What did your husband say?""He said, Thank you. "|
|A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says shell see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "shes my mistress." "Well, thats the last straw," says the wife. "Ive had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Whos that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "Thats his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.|
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
1. On Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time You have to work on your hair)
2. On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(Evidently, the shoplifter special)
3. On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how. . . ?)
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestions: Defrost."
(But it's *just* a suggestion)
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Oops, too late!)
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows the day . . . .)
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)
8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope)
10. On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)
11. On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: Contains nuts."
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
Source URL: http://worldwildfunny.blogspot.com/2010_09_01_archive.html
14. On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
( Don't blame the company, blame the parents for this one.)
15. On a Swedish chain saw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?...Good grief)
16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:
"Do not use on food."
(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK honey just grab the
17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste:
"If swallowed contact poison control."
(Oh please have you ever heard about someone dying from
swallowing a little toothpaste?)
18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent:
"Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine."
(Hey no more swimming in the washing machine kids)
Women's EnglishSource URL: http://worldwildfunny.blogspot.com/2010_09_01_archive.html
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure ... go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = ... and carpeting, and furniture,
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
I'm not yelling = Yes I am yelling because I think this is
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie = I'd eventually like to have sex
Can I take you out to dinner = I'd eventually like to have sex
Can I call you sometime = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice tits!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it ... We'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = Okay, I said it ... We'd
better have sex now!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a
deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
with other guys
(While shopping): I like that one better = Pick any bloody dress
and let's go home and
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctorSource URL: http://worldwildfunny.blogspot.com/2010_09_01_archive.html
had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her.
She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped,
but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started
growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly
normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair
"On my balls."
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached theSource URL: http://worldwildfunny.blogspot.com/2010_09_01_archive.html
desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go
outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with
your 'ear' or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The
receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your
ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at theSource URL: http://worldwildfunny.blogspot.com/2010_09_01_archive.html
zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in
front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on
the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding
his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady
in the sheer dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the
poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and
flirt w/the ape.
She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that
would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her
straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he's just about
to tear the bars down.
The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the
thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him
you have a headache."