Jokes / 10 signs your an Internet geek

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
 9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"
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Jokes / What if your husband is programmer

Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening dear....I'm now logged in."
 
Wife: Have you brought the groceries?
 
Husband : Bad command or filename.
 
Wife: But I told you in the morning
 
Husband : Syntax Error. Abort?
 
Wife: What about my new TV?
 
Husband : Variable not found . . .
 
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do someshopping.
 
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied
 
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
 
Husband : Too many parameters . . .
 
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
 
Husband : Data type mismatch.
 
Wife: You are useless.
 
Husband : It's by Default.
 
Wife: What about your Salary?
 
Husband : File in use . . . Try later.
 
Wife: What is my value in the family.
 
Husband : Unknown Virus.
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Jokes / Cyber Love

A little boy says: Daddy, how was I born?
DAD says: Ah, my son. I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room,
where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed popup appeared and said: You've Got Male!
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Jokes / Email

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile… somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check

her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The

widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Reached Safely
Date: 21 st July, 2004


I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to

our loved ones. I’ve just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared

for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was …
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Jokes / Computer Heaven and Computer Hell

In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
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Jokes / E-mail

A man walks into his office box on a Monday morning. He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor.
it reads, "Do you have any naked photos of your wife?"
Outraged the man replies, "No I do not!"
Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from his neighbor.
Expecting an apology he opens the e-mail.
It reads, "Want to buy some?"
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Jokes / Tech Support

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."

Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
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Jokes / Letter to my computer addicted husband

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George--err--Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
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Jokes / Software Development Cycle

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

7. Users find 137 new bugs.

8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
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Jokes / Five reasons computers are female

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

See also Five reasons computers are male

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Jokes / Five reasons computers are male

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

See also Five reasons computers are female

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Jokes / Password Rejected

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer. She asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter "penis".
Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She almost died laughing at the computer's response: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.
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Jokes / Installing Your Husband

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
***
DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and flowers 3.5.But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support
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Jokes / A Great writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
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